


Reflector of Light

by Anonymous



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, Post-Episode: s04e01 The Six Thatchers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 20:39:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9624431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: John has always been Sherlock's light. Sherlock doubts he can survive without him.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RedOrchid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedOrchid/gifts).



Sometimes John seem so real he can reach out and touch him. But even in his dreams, his hands go straight through John, as if his flesh were no more than air. John looks straight through him, as if he is invisible, and he tries to call to John, but his voice won’t work. He screams and yells and even cries, but none of his efforts produce even the slightest sound.

 

Sometimes it’s worse, because John's looking for him, searching frantically, calling to him, but still looks right through him, walks right through him as if he isn’t even there. And when he screams and yells and even cries, John still don’t hear him. He is voiceless, invisible, imaginary, stuck in some sort of horrendous purgatory, neither here nor there.

 

And sometimes John is merely going about his business, talking, laughing, as if nothing has changed. Even when he cries, throwing himself at John's feet, he still doesn't see or hear or feel him – and John doesn't even _care_ that he is in distress.

 

He isn’t sure what hurts him more – but he _hurts_ so much he feels like his heart is shattering into a million tiny pieces, all sharp edges and hot coals trapped inside his chest. But whichever dream he has, he always wakes up with a start, sweating and crying and biting on his hand so as to not scream. He can only hope that Mrs Hudson hasn’t heard him…

 

He’s spent his entire adult life avoiding sentiment, emotion. They are a weakness, something to be exploited in others. But as time goes on, it's harder to deny his own weakness. The emotions are getting worse, becoming more intense when he thinks they should probably fade. What was that cliched old adage his mother used to say constantly? Time heals all wounds? Pain withers eventually?

 

But every time he thought he was getting over it – over _them_ – something would stir it all back to the surface.

 

A smell or a sound is all it takes and the tightness in his chest becomes almost unbearable. He can’t take much more of this; he feels like his heart is about the give out. Sherlock sits on his bed with his head in his hands, and tries to not let the hot tears forming behind his eyes escape. He tries to just _breathe_ , _breathe_ , _breathe_ , but it does no good.

 

Deep down, he knows that wishing won’t get him anywhere; John will never speak to him again.

 

And he knows that he deserves it.

 

But he can’t help but wish he could see John one more time, even if only for a moment. And when the impossibility of that reaches him, he can’t stop those frustrating tears from falling.


End file.
